lol

Time has flown past at an astonishing rate,
now entered manhood yet still feeling irate.
No contacts been made, the walls been set hard
no acknowledging of eachother,


i can feel happy when i see you smile,
but my emptiness still remains
 on my shelf looking by
My face mightnt show it,
noone can tell,\\
but inside i keep bleeding, if only you were to know.
Eye contact could be the key to you knowing,
just like a game of show and tell,
you see my tear falling down and realise il never let you go
time goes past but some emotions dont and i know this ones here to stay.
Even when its sunny and clouds are in hiding im still left feeling dark and grey.

its a huge flaw of mine i dont like it one bit, i wish i could let it go.
but it just dont feel right  to abandon it, even if im the only to know.

I want to speak up and commute my thoughts,
if oonly it was easy as that, my thought represents feelings,
Of which you faced and then cut.
I face my demons every coming day
they slowly make me die.
i wish you could come back and guide them away,
i want to smile when i look up to the sky.

Memories are the greatest and i know ours wont ever fade
...from me, because i bet according to you its just plain old boring history.
Fuck it, life sucks im over it

Seeing them after a long time, one day you would stare in their eyes for hours exclaiming your love for them,
next time you spend more then 2 minutes with them its years down the track.
That first eye contact is made again and you forget where you are,
them memories of which you shared together all rush back like a water fall overpowering you.
You stop and think where did it go wrong and then you remember that your one at blame,
you think to yourself why the fuck did it have to end if it was only still going strong now,
'Im such a different person' 'ive changed so much' 'i want a fresh start-version II''.
Fact is life fucking sucks and feelings are more often then not leading you down a one way street, you feel them for the people your seeing but all they muster up in return is a few wild stares.

Push aside whats the best for you,
Make it seem like an enemy
Steal the sympathy
Attract the Attention
Make good seem evil
You wait till your day comes when you finally realise your alone
ANd what you needed was what you threw away

OoOoO0oO0oOoo0 whatchya gonna do then huh

What is good enough?

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep...  someone who travels any distance to come see you, just wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.  One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you, The one who makes you his everything...The one who turns to his friends and says, 'shes the one' ” 

Its hard to move on when  you have ticked all those above boxes, and more.
Your base yourself around comments like that
You have the courage to stand up to your friends ,
You admit your faults.
You try your hardest to give someone your everything.
However that is still not enough.
No matter how good you try to be.
It never seems to pay off.

It sets of alarm bells
"maybe at my absolute best i am still just not good enough?

Im here for you- written 3 motnhs ago

"this was Written  3 months ago"

When i met you, i got this strange feeling, i felt like something was going to happen,
And that means a lot, considering after my past of failures i was not wanting anything serious
My life was all over the place when i properly met you, but from that one night, things within me changed.
A Day after i was feeling a pressure and expectation inside of me to present the best possible side of me to you,
I felt obliged to be the best i could.
We started talking a lot more, and it was apparent that we had a strong and vibrant connection right from the start.
Then as we all know, one thing leads to another, live happily ever after blah blah blah,
It hurts me so much when you think your not good enough,
it hurts me when you say you dont know what i see you, that you are not worth of me, that nobody likes you.
they are all false beliefs by you.
 But you should not be questioning, or worry about that,
because fact is , i love you,
so dont doubt yourself, and wonder why i love you,
because i do, so just enjoy it and realise im here for you.

Being taunted

I Love you forever.. yeah well whatever happened to that?
Your the most amazing person ever... I guess thats why you turned your back.
I Will never ever leave you... Hmm Seems like your gone
Your my best friend... i guess thats why you dont even talk to me,  I may as well have had never even been born.

It hurts when your loved one becomes A loved one.
It sucks when the memories you shared with someone were just so amazing,
That they pushed everything else out of your head,
And now when your trying to block out those memories because you are hurt,
You struggle because that is all that is in your head.

Every little action you take, triggers a memory.
Whether your lying in your bed, or snuggling up on the couch,
whether your making a cup of tea or just sitting there wondering in doubt.
Every little thing, EVERYTHING done, just sets off an emotional response in my mind.
I cant control it, i really wish i could,
Because its driving me crazy.
There is nothing worse when your dream becomes reality, but then it gets taken away from you again.
You feel taunted and faint.
Because you know what you want is right in front of you yet so far away.

Its crazy how our minds work.
If someone dies, it is the most unwelcome and painful experience which our body undertakes.
For very long periods of times you are mourning,
Its hard to grasp onto the fact that someone is gone forever.
However when someone has died, you know that they are gone forever.
That all you have left of them is their legacy to preserve and uphold. you cant change anything else.

Yet when someone is taken away from you, but is still living and breathing out there,
It is nowhere near as bad as experiecing a death of a loved one, but sometimes its more painful,
In the sense that you are so hurt when that person goes,
Yet its a lot harder to overcome because there is always that beacon of light in your mind telling you that you can get them back.
And that is the most painful thing.

Its just like being a little kid in a lolly store, imagine having to walk in everyday for a month as a  5 year old, and sit on a chair watching people come in and buy then eat lollies, but you cant have any yourself.
It would be terribly painful, there would be tantrums thrown, extreme sadness, tears, anything really.
And that is the exact same emotion experience by anyone who loses a loved one, in a non death sense.

Its horrendous.
Its hard to move on when you know you could still do work to fix it ,
Its even harder after youve learned from mistakes and know how to change yourself, and instead of having to live with yourself, your mind once again provides you with that thought that there is still time to make change.

Many times there is, many times you get gived opportunites to redeem yourself, to prove yourself,
all that hurting would somehow pay off..

But also many times you are left there,
Just left sitting in that lolly store, not moving from that chair.
Growing old, changing as a person.
Watching the world go past but not taking nothing in.

I think

If you call, I will answer
If  you fall, I will pick you up
If you get lost, i will find you
If your caught up in a mess I'll take you home.
If a bullet was going straight towards you, i would jump in front and protect you from all harm.

You think,
I think  about you, only when we are in same room
Im only here to witness the remains of the love for you.
All we did was play game of who loves eachother more.
Its fair to do whats best for  you, and you alone.
its only fair to do the same thing for me when possible.

I think
Its time to make this something that isnt just fair.

I am warning you, dont you ever do
Those messed up things , which you do
And if you ever do, i promise you
Ill be first one to crucify you
Its time to prove that you can bounce back,
Prove you came back to fix up all the cracks,
not to abandon and move on from the sinking ship,
and keep walking on, to be forever missed

What is perfect?

The spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.
When im down, i feel perfectly up in your presence.
When you are scared, i can hold you tight and we know we are perfect.
When I look into your eyes so intensely that i start feeling dizzy and sick, i know its perfect.
When I would walk for hours just to see your face, thats when i know you are perfect.
When your not in my life anymore, i feel so empty inside.
Thats when I know how to distinguish perfect.

Heaven

One day, when the sun burns out, and we all live without electricity under the stars, we will be perfect.
When all we have is a tent full of perfectly insignificant possessions and we sleep under blankets - all together some nights, we will survive.
When we care about everyone else and not just ourselves,
When we truly understand what it is to live in an unselfish way, we will be able to call ourselves human.
When we put down the guns, stop the terrorism and racism, give up the fights and sexist thoughts, when we all give into the simple fact we are all equal,
Thats when we will unite and be in absolute harmony.
When we stop being scared, thats when we will see life's treasures.
When we worry about the most important people, and nobody else.
When all we do is live, forgetting money and sadness, remembering we were put here in a way God wanted, that’s When we can finally see what it is like to have heaven on earth.
Because heaven is a man made place. And it is up to us to make it.

Writers Block

Lately, i guess you could say ive had writers block.
As previously mentioned, i am the author of my own story.
But latetly ive hit that part where im unsure of what will come next,
ive felt at time like my storyis coming to its end.
Its past 7 in the morning and i cant even sleep, i dont even know what im doing with myselF
i want to sleep but i just cant. if i sleep i dont wanna wake up from it again
 i just dont know what to do, or how to react to what obstacles are arising.
I havent had the energy nor will to even sit down and just write.
Maybe thats why ive been struggling,
Who knows, because i sure dont.
I dont really know anything anymore,
its way to easy nowadays to get caught up in emotions, to get caught up in the tide
and to talk to people, and agree with them, when you should be doing the opposite.
we live in a wild world, that is one thing i definitely am sure of.
But besides that, im unsure of everyting else, this current state im in,
Is one of dissaray, im not sure how i still function,
im low, i feel like im dying,
my emtoions are screwed, i dont know what im feeling,
Im wanting everythnig toend.
I confuse myself.
everyone confuses me.
everyone confuses eachother..

Theres way to many quotes out there, which people hear then try to follow, but thats not good,
Say for example "suicide is most selfish thing to do"-okay say if that person has suffered there whole life, and nthing hekps them at all, nothing.
why should that person suffer, and live a lfie in misery. how are they meant ot belive ANYONE when people say it will get better, they are just words,
People say not to listen to words, but if your not supposed to listen to words,that means your not supposed to listen to advide given to you. Life contradicts itself. i bet im confusing you right now..
if your feeling confused and thinking what the fuck is this kid going on about?
WELL WELCOME TO MY LIFE!! A life full of confusion

"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face for them to be happy might be, you will sacrifice anything for them, to be with them

I am an author

I am an author.
I am the author of my own story.
And if you wanna stay in it
Then you gotta keep proving your worthy,

You can either treat me well and that makes the happily ever after,
Or keep treating me bad, and this story ends really, really sad

Being the author I call the shots,
But wow pretty soon you will be missing me, lots

It could Be about  love for a girl sent fromAbove.
 Or it could be quite a heartsinking   Tragedy, where the story ends before it kicks off.

I am the main character and I need darkness to appreciate light.
But to achieve that I dont need no tension or fights.
So what do I do. Do you still belong in my story.
Cos right now I'm pretty messed up and feeling a bit quirky.

If someone unstable,  playing with dangerous  fire and were to be alone, would you let them Just be and give  them a bucket of water?
No, you should help then extinguish that flame. Because if that boys left alone with that fire then none of the future may turn out to your desire.
So look after yourself, keep following you dream, or incorporate me, before you become lonely.
Choice is yours. But  one thing i know for sure,
You'll remember my name,
remember  my face.. even after  I am long gone

Relationships come with a lot of responsibilites.
We fight, we yell, we get jealous,
We cry, we scream,  feel pain,
We scream, we get frustrated, we get angry,
We get upset, we break up and our emotions take us over.
So we all keep wondering, why do we keep doing it?
Why would we want to feel not just sad, but truly hurt,
Why do we want to feel depressed to the point where your whole body hurts just because of one person, sad To the point where you feel empty,
You dont even feel alive, your just waking up and following an emotionless, thoughtless life.
you feel sad to the point where your head and your heart aches for the company of that one person

Its because besides all those moments when our stupidity jumps in from of what we are truly feeling and we “fight”,
Its those moments when you feel true love towards someone.
True love can not be defined by a book, it is not taught to you at school,
Nor is it something which we are all able to control.
But truly loving someone is the most astounding, magnificent  and touching moments that you will endure in your life,
To everyone who is scared of getting hurt, and to scared of the added weight put on our shoulders,
Having someone you love and having them love you back is a feeling which can not be substituted.

You have a bad day, and be hating everyone but being able to then see that one person,
And have them look at you wish such a deep emotion is irreplaceable.

Having the one there whisper to you how they love has the same effect as being screamed at,
Having your hand held and being reassured everything will be fine is what is all about,
It makes you feel safe knowing you always have that one person who is loyal to you.

Breaking up does hurt, a lot
But having that someone that you feel so comfortable with, someone that you let inside your soul
Someone that lets you inside theirs, someone you know will be there for you at all hours of the day,
 Having that one person there for you, for whatever frame of time,
 is true love and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

On a date with the devil.

Every memory, every thought, every image of you in my head, Just everything about you, my general view on you, could be Compared to dining out at very expensive restaurant,
its pleasant and you enjoy the quality and experience of it all,
However I do expect so much as you are paying a small fortune for it.

Now you mightnt be paying for a table for two at a restaurant but the cost that you may incur is a lot more then just money in the real world.
It could be your happiness, motivation, time, effort; absolutely anything and could even be your everything.

But yes, you are dining out, you may have the most amazing night ever, 
Loving it from the start,
..Its perfect, all has goen to plan and you can see yourself coming back here often, enjoying yourself here in the future.

I Adore you and I Love you, you will never ever realise how much i do.. I bet theres  someone out there who we can all compare to these words, and realise how much life sucks sometimes.

You precede to have dessert and the night is coming to a conclusion, But what if you say find a worm in your dessert, or just something unexpected happens.  You may feel really sick from the food, or find something foreign in it. How would you then feel about that restaurant?

I have been having the best time ever with you,
Could not have asked for anything more amazing.
We all have someone, or at least had someone who we were deeply into.
But what will happen, how will I cope if i find a worm with us,
How will any of us?
Its generally out of our own control, Generally its the other parties fault not ours,
And thats why life sucks. Because we put all we got into something to end up with nothing someties

Because our minds work in mysterious ways.
Aand it just takes one bad moment, one bad thought,
Finding out one thing we didnt want to,
For our mind to throw away all those good memories
And just latch onto the negatives,
It causes us to think sour thoughts, bad experiences,
Bad images in our heads.
Now that, is what i think of  as the world fucking us over,
Cos no matter how much we put in,
We could devote all we have to someone
Yet even that could not be enough,
It makes you wonder 
Because if all we have, all our energy, all our emotions, our time, effort, love and care is not enough...
Then what the fuck is?

Do we let it go right past us, or do we stop and let it slow down

Being depressed isnt sad.

Dropping a lollipop on the ground is sad.

Hearing ur team lost on the weekend makes you sad.
Sad is just a mere emotion, like happy,angry, it passes
It comes, it goes. We brush it off.

But being depressed is being in a crowd full of people that care about you, yet you feel alone.
Being depressed means coming home at night, but not feeling at home,
It means being enclosed with family, a safe place to stay, yet you feel yourself unstable.
You feel in danger.
It is when you feel isolated from everybody else.
It is when life goes oh so slow, yet so fast.
Once darkness falls, every second seems like an hour, you just want that one person to be with you.
To tell you its all fine.
Yet during the day its like your standing on a platform watching a train go by,
Shoots right past you, yet you take in nothing about it, you learn nothing new.
You merely grow older. it s a painful process.
It is waking up and not just getting up out of routine, but thinking to yourself
Why am i getting up?
What is my reason to get up.
Or even, what when that one reason disappears, where am i going with myself?

It is having something on your mind unwillingly nonstop, it is  a parasite eating away at your emotions inside out.
Being Depressed is when you love someone so much and you make them your priority
Yet day after day you just sit there, waiting to hear there voice,
Or waiting for them to initiate conversation.
Then if that doesnt happen you cant sleep all night, you stress, you worry, you wonder what if.
That is being depressed
Depression is not a mood, it is not something fixed by pills, or therapy.
It is a Disease, which is caused by just one person,
or just one event.

Life could be traveling fine, then that person comes along,
That person could torment you.
Or you could even fall in love with them, yet they dont treat you right, or they dont realise how muchu need them. so inside you suffer as you need them so much, but they dont need u back, or they dont show it at least.

To the peopel who have strong emotions, emotions which are deep, those people are the ones who get depressed.
Because people who are more shallow, and just live life with a whatever goes function dotn really get bothered by small things. they dont stop and look at there actions from an outsiders point of view
They dont get depressed because they are self centered. Unknowingly, they are self centered.
becaues they dont realise there actions.
For them it may seem normal , it may just be like yeah whatever there is always tomorrow to talk to that person, or its okay its just a few more hours blah blah.
But no, thats your opinion..yet for someone else, waiting till timorrow is to late.
What if I get hit by a car and never wake up, or you die or whatever, how would you feel?
If someones been sitting waiting for you all day, day after day, then that extra time will push them.
Jealousy,love,hate,loneliness turns your heart into a fragile vase, and that extra time waiting pushes it closer and closer to the edge,
It will hurt.
that edge is the borderline of  being depressed.
Depressed person wont show it at start, because they will savor the good moments with you.
But oh you just wait, once the bottle of emotions reaches the brim,
Youl be instore for a nice reality check.

Remember that we all wear masks.
I may love you, you may love me.
But that aint mean shit when im becoming unhappy.
So just stop now and then and realise yourself. 

Fix your faults now before you lose anyone else

It makes you think, why me? 

Why cant i just wake up and get dressed and look forward to today
but no instead you wake up and wonder what shit your in for, hooray!
Why am i always being sad because of you,
Whether its something youve done without a second thought,yet caused me so much grief.

Whether its just the fact of missing you.
But remember, depression is something many people keep secret
So next time your cleaning out your closet,
try think of all the skeletons that ive secretly hidden

They will be hard to find, but they are emotionally ridden.

So give the special ones in your life, that chunk in time of day,
ask them all about themselves,
check that everythings running okay.
Cos if youl lose them, cos of your own mistakes,
you will be hating yourself every single day.
You will become overridden with anger nd hate.
Youl wanna go back in time and force them to stay.

If we do to much stuff, see so many people, we stop appreciating what we have,
we have to slow our lives down sometimes and realise whats important.

"Im tired of trying, im sick of the crying, to you ive been smiling but inside im dying,
If i say im ok, you should know im astray, so save me now, before its all becomes to late."

Take a look around at all people you know, and think how youl live if one of them goes.

Stay around for like..forever?

 Sometimes I wonder if life is really worth it, then I look at your smile and I know it is.

Ongoing battle

Just cos its yours, doesn't mean it is yours.
Just cos its yours at this moment, doesnt mean it forever will be
You think cos youve already seized someone that they are yours
...Well yeah about that :/
Everyday you gotta keep fighting to prove your worthy
To prove that you are worth the effort,\
Everday is a battle,
Winning someone initially is easily done,but holding onto them is something much harder,
There is an ongoing struggle to showcase what weve got.
We live in a world where if someone doesnt feel like you are making them your number one they will leave,
And people have every right to do that..
Because love and friendship means making someone your world,
But if that feeling isnt felt to be mutual, we can lose the one we care about the most

hey you...yeah you! I love you

'To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world'